


One of a Kind

by erestor



Series: ACOTER [4]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Community: heroinebigbang, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-06-04
Packaged: 2018-04-02 21:16:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4074142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erestor/pseuds/erestor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you leave your impressionable young sons in the care of a female Orc, you should not be surprised if they learn some valuable lessons about life, the origin of Orc babies, the stroppiness of Elven Kings and the taste of female guards in Mirkwood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One of a Kind

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: Eveiya
> 
> "Sia": Language of the Plains Elves, meaning "parent". Rabbit and the concept of the Plains Elves are creations by the ever lovely Magic Rat (delaese on LJ) and used with permission.

Preparations for the Annual Conference of the Elven Realms (A.C.O.T.E.R.) were in full swing, and in a moment of weakness, Mauburz had caved in to Master Erestor's pleading and agreed to look after his two young sons, Estorel and Lórindol.

"It will only be for a short while, I promise," he had said, visibly exhausted. "The delegation from Mirkwood will arrive today, Glorfindel has misplaced the list of requests by King Thranduil the Exceptional and Impressive, Most Splendid and Feared Ruler of Mirkwood, King by the Valar's Grace, Ruler of 2000 Years, Shining Star of Greenwood The Green, Fairest of all Elven Lords, Light of the Dark Ages, Son of Oropher the Magnificent, Elbereth's gift to the Eldar, etc. etc. etc., there is still so much to do, and I cannot look after them. Please. Just give Estorel something to play with and Lórindol something to chew on, and all will be well."

Alas, there was no such thing as a "short while" with the two Elflings. Mauburz had been busy making arrows when Erestor arrived, and unfortunately, Estorel decided to play with the feathers and Lórindol to chew on Estorel, so within a few moments, the feathers were everywhere and the pair were into each other's braids and howling like two angry wargs.

"You be quiet or I go and call a Balrog," Mauburz threatened the Elflings. "Then you see what happens!"

"Then I will call ada and he will slay him," Estorel said, sticking out his tongue at the Orc.

"Then I will tell the Balrog to fly away so ada cannot slay him, so there," said Lórindol, sticking out his tongue at his older brother.

"Balrogs cannot fly, they do not have wings," Estorel said.

"They _do_ have wings, ada said so," Lórindol insisted.

"Have _not_!"

"Have _so_!"

" _Not_!"

" _Have_!"

Mauburz pinched the bridge of her nose; she felt a headache coming on.

"Stop arguing! You worse than ten baby Orcs!"

Estorel stopped pulling on Lórindol's braids, and Lórindol dropped the half-finished arrow he'd been using to hit his brother with. Both stared at Mauburz with big eyes.

"Orcs have babies?"

"Of course," Mauburz replied, quickly moving the arrow out of Lórindol's reach. "What you think where Orcs come from - evil Lord Melkor delivering them in wee wicker baskets?"

That new information took some time to process, and it was Estorel who was the first to speak.

"You make fun of us, Mistress Mauburz! Why, Orc babies! I have never seen such a thing!"

Mauburz arched an eyebrow.

"You never seen Balrog either, so?"

"But ada has seen one," Estorel said, and crossed his arms over his chest. "So we know they exist!"

"And I have seen Orc babies, so you know _they_ exist. Or you think Mauburz lying, heh?"

Lórindol climbed on Mauburz's lap.

"Mistress Mauburz, is it true you are the only lady Orc in Middle-earth?"

Mauburz feigned indignation.

"What? Who says so? Of course not! There are many lady Orcs in Middle-earth, but Mauburz is only one in Imladris. Is difficult to tell difference in battle, though. Because of the armour, you see."

"And why are you here?"

"Oh, long story." Mauburz scratched her head. "Mauburz always liked Elves. Well, not cooked or steamed or with sauce. Liked their singing, often sneaked out of Orc camp to listen to Elf bards. Orcs cannot sing, you know. Sound like angry cats. Also, was tired of fighting. Fighting is stupid."

"But when I am grown up, I want to be a warrior and fight," Estorel said, looking very determined. "That is not stupid. My ada is a warrior, too."

"Glorfindel is very wise Elf," Mauburz said, "fights because he has to, not because he wants to. Big difference, Estorel."

Lórindol pulled on one of Mauburz' braids.

"And then? What did you do then?"

"Then Mauburz ate annoying Elfling who pulled on her braids! Kshhh! Well, one day, Mauburz had enough of fighting and yelling and dead Orcs and dead Elves, and so left and followed singing of Master Lindir and came here. Nice Lord Elrond was very friendly, and so Mauburz stayed, opened aromatherapy shop, became successful business Orc, was babysitter for various Elflings and is now very happy."

That was the abbreviated story of her life, suitable for impressionable Elflings and only half the truth, but there was no point in telling them how Mauburz had left death and the horrors of the battlefield behind, only to face a wall of rejection upon her arrival in Imladris. An Orc in the Last Homely House? Inconceivable! However, Lord Elrond, despite his great personal losses, had been willing to offer her shelter, and had resisted the bitter opposition of his council, with the unexpected support of Master Erestor.

Lord Elrond's stern, unapproachable chief advisor had vouched for the Orc - why, he wouldn't tell, but he was adamant about it, and only many centuries later had Mauburz understood that it had been a matter of hope: if Mauburz the Straggler could become the master of her own fate, so could Master Erestor of the Circling Raven, and indeed, she got her freedom, and he his Balrog slayer. But that was a different story.

"Do lady Orcs also go to war then?" Lórindol continued his questioning.

"Yes, lady Orcs go to war like everybody else. Does not make war less stupid, though."

"You should tell Uncle Nonfindel about fighting lady Orcs," Estorel said, and picked up one of the arrows. "Then he could tell King Thranduil, maybe he would not mind having lady Elves in the guards then."

Now that bit of information piqued Mauburz' curiosity.

"Why, what is King Thranduil's problem with lady Elves in guards?"

Estorel sat down in a chair, put an empty basket on his head and held the arrow like a ceremonial staff.

"Female Elves are too delicate to serve in my guards," he said, imitating the King of Mirkwood astonishingly well. "They would have no chance against the spiders. It would be the end of civilization as we know it, and I simply do not want it. No, no, no!" He threw his hair back over his shoulder, stomped his foot on the ground like a petulant toddler, and Mauburz had a hard time not to howl with laughter.

"Estorel, you be more respectful! You must not talk about King Thranduil like that!"

Lórindol giggled.

"But Uncle Nonfindel said he is stroppy. Maybe you should talk to him? Uncle Nonfindel says Thranduil is scared of you, because you kicked him out of Lord Elrond's wine cellar last A.C.O.T.E.R."

Mauburz lifted the Elfling off her lap and put him on the floor.

"That is not true, never kicked King Thranduil out! Just asked politely and helped him up the stairs when did not move," Mauburz protested, and gave Lórindol a stern look. "First: do not call King Thranduil stroppy, it is very impolite. Second: cannot blame King Thranduil for being stroppy around your uncle. Anybody becoming stroppy around Nonfindel. He makes Ents lose patience. And third, is very stupid. Lady Elves are perfectly fine in guards. Actually in Mirkwood, they are better guards than male Elves, because they taste bitter, so spiders are not interested." She paused for a moment. "Well, better forget about last bit."

Estorel took off the basket and put the arrow aside.

"I still want to become a warrior," he said firmly. "But I promise I will only fight if I have to."

Mauburz patted him on the head.

"Now there is a good Elfling. And what you want to be when grown up, Lórindol?"

"A Dwarf," Lórindol replied without hesitation.

Estorel broke out in laughter, but a stern glare from Mauburz cut his outburst of hilarity off immediately. If Mauburz looked like that, she meant business. The Orc looked at the fair Elfling with the big blue eyes and the golden hair in front of her.

"You want to be a Dwarf?"

"A Dwarf," Lórindol insisted, and the look of determination on his small face was such that there could be no doubt about the seriousness of his wish.

"Then you be Dwarf," Mauburz said, and gently stroked Lórindol's cheek. "If Orc can become member of Lord Elrond's council and run aromatherapy shop in Imladris, Elf can become Dwarf. As for the beard, though…" She shrugged. "Meh. Just say you very young Dwarf."

The door opened, and in came Erestor.

"Sia!" the two Elflings cried, and ran over to their parent.

"Have they been good?" he asked, and Mauburz, looking at the feathers spread all over her shop, nodded with a smile.

"Very good. Very nice Elflings. But have been good long enough here, now take them away. Mauburz has work to do."

"I will, thank you. Now come, you two. The delegation from Mirkwood is about to arrive, you certainly do not want to miss them?"

Estorel dashed out of the door, eager to see the Mirkwood Elves and their horses. Lórindol yawned and so Erestor picked him up, following his oldest son. When they were out of the door, a question crossed Lórindol's mind, but now it was too late. Oh well. He would simply ask King Thranduil why his female guards were so bitter.


End file.
